function getQuote() { var Quotation= new Array(); Quotation[0] = "There's no trick to being a humourist when you have the whole government working for you"; Quotation[1] = "Humour is by far the most significant activity of the human brain."; Quotation[2] = "Total absence of humour renders life impossible."; Quotation[3] = "Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age"; Quotation[4] = "Never trust a man whose tie is habitually an inch below his collar"; Quotation[5] = "Men play the game - women know the score"; Quotation[6] = "Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook and a good digestion"; Quotation[7] = "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter"; Quotation[8] = "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane"; Quotation[9] = "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"; Quotation[10] = "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing"; Quotation[11] = "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face"; Quotation[12] = "The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things"; Quotation[13] = "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition"; Quotation[14] = "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former"; Quotation[15] = "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped"; Quotation[16] = "Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"; Quotation[17] = "Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window."; Quotation[18] = "Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?"; Quotation[19] = "If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing."; Quotation[20] = "Copying from one source is plagiarism, copying from two sources is research"; Quotation[21] = "A weed is simply a plant that you don't want"; Quotation[22] = "If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old."; Quotation[23] = "The spoken word is like a sped arrow that cannot be recalled"; Quotation[24] = "The answer to darkness is to turn on the light"; Quotation[25] = "Wit is the lowest form of humour"; Quotation[26] = "In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence"; Quotation[27] = "Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly"; Quotation[28] = "There is always a seasonal demand for French knickers just before Christmas"; Quotation[29] = "When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife"; Quotation[30] = "True friends stab you in the front"; Quotation[31] = "Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy"; Quotation[32] = "It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water"; Quotation[33] = "No one is listening until you make a mistake"; Quotation[34] = "Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye"; Quotation[35] = "Don't underestimate the ability of party politicians to find alibis"; Quotation[36] = "The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice"; Quotation[37] = "Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom"; Quotation[38] = "I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work"; Quotation[39] = "No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both he is twice blessed indeed"; Quotation[40] = "The hardest thing to understand in the world is income tax"; Quotation[41] = "The taxpayer - someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take the civil service exam"; Quotation[42] = "It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar"; Quotation[43] = "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on"; Quotation[44] = "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals"; Quotation[45] = "Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf"; Quotation[46] = "To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer"; Quotation[47] = "If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want will appear on the screen."; Quotation[48] = "No matter how long you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale cheaper"; Quotation[49] = "Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is just the same - Oscar Wilde"; Quotation[50] = "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it"; Quotation[51] = "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"; Quotation[52] = "There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about"; Quotation[53] = "Better keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid then open it and remove any doubt"; Quotation[54] = "A manifesto is issued to get votes and is not to be taken as gospel"; Quotation[55] = "When you go in search of honey you must expect to be stung by bees"; Quotation[56] = "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia"; Quotation[57] = "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep"; Quotation[58] = "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it"; Quotation[59] = "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home"; Quotation[60] = "Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice"; Quotation[61] = "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal - Jimmy Hill, commentator"; Quotation[62] = "Computer Lie Number 1: You'll never use all that disk space"; Quotation[63] = "I went to a general store the other day, they wouldn't let me buy anything specific"; Quotation[64] = "I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well"; Quotation[65] = "Borrow money from pessimists, they won't expect it back"; Quotation[66] = "Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour"; Quotation[67] = "At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying"; Quotation[68] = "Two words that guys hate...don’t & stop...unless you put them together"; Quotation[69] = "Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?"; Quotation[70] = "When French people swear do they say pardon my English?"; Quotation[71] = "Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?"; Quotation[72] = "Why are women's and men's shoe sizes different?"; Quotation[73] = "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence"; Quotation[74] = "To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most"; Quotation[75] = "When all else fails, read the instructions"; Quotation[76] = "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles"; Quotation[77] = "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious - Alan Minter, Boxer"; Quotation[78] = "Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something"; Quotation[79] = "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"; Quotation[80] = "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet - Al Gore"; Quotation[81] = "Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair - George Burns"; Quotation[82] = "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand - Benny Hill"; Quotation[83] = "Constipated people don't give a crap"; Quotation[84] = "The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread"; Quotation[85] = "The idea is to die young as late as possible"; Quotation[86] = "The trouble with doing it right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was"; Quotation[87] = "There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation"; Quotation[88] = "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her"; Quotation[89] = "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments"; Quotation[90] = "Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?"; Quotation[91] = "I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet"; Quotation[92] = "A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce"; Quotation[93] = "Age is a very high price to pay for maturity"; Quotation[94] = "Who puts those 'Thin Ice' signs out there"; Quotation[95] = "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't"; Quotation[96] = "The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies"; Quotation[97] = "The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing"; Quotation[98] = "I don't believe in class differences, but luckily my butler disagrees with me"; Quotation[99] = "You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach"; Quotation[100] = "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark"; Quotation[101] = "Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"; Quotation[102] = "The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper—and she's already left a note that it's in the fridge"; Quotation[103] = "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out - Decca, rejecting the Beatles in 1962"; Quotation[104] = "640K ought to be enough for anybody - Bill Gates, 1981"; Quotation[105] = "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"; Quotation[106] = "Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty"; Quotation[107] = "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are made up of lost airline luggage"; Quotation[108] = "He who laughs last thinks slowest"; Quotation[109] = "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us"; Quotation[110] = "You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 Rs only one begins with an R"; Quotation[111] = "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall"; Quotation[112] = "The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'"; Quotation[113] = "If you are going through hell, keep going – Sir Winston Churchill"; Quotation[114] = "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true"; Quotation[115] = "Smoking kills, and if you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life - Brooke Shields"; Quotation[116] = "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body - Winston Bennet, basketball player"; Quotation[117] = "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country - Mayor Berry, Washington DC"; Quotation[118] = "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it - Al Gore, vice president of USA"; Quotation[119] = "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or the other - George Bush"; Quotation[120] = "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure - Bill Clinton"; Quotation[121] = "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - Woody Allen"; Quotation[122] = "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship - Sharon Stone"; Quotation[123] = "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch - Jack Nicholson"; Quotation[124] = "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet - Robin Williams"; Quotation[125] = "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom - Joan Rivers"; Quotation[126] = "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized"; Quotation[127] = "My ignorance of science is such that if anyone mentioned copper nitrate I should think he was talking about policemen’s overtime"; Quotation[128] = "Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other"; Quotation[129] = "The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down"; Quotation[130] = "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor"; Quotation[131] = "I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say - Richard Nixon"; Quotation[132] = "Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery"; Quotation[133] = "The other supermarket queue always moves faster"; Quotation[134] = "Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping - Bo Derek"; Quotation[135] = "Mothers are fonder of their children because they are more certain they are their own - Aristotle"; Quotation[136] = "There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel door all night. I finally had to let her out"; Quotation[137] = "The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie"; Quotation[138] = "A mission statement is a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly"; Quotation[139] = "I know nothing about sex because I was always married - Zsa Zsa Gabor"; Quotation[140] = "Your best golf shots occur when you are playing alone"; Quotation[141] = "Valuable objects which fall in a hard to reach place will land just beyond the furtherest stretch of the tip of your fingers"; Quotation[142] = "The suburb is where a developer cuts down all the trees to build houses and then names the streets after the trees - Bill Vaughn"; Quotation[143] = "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic - Anon"; Quotation[144] = "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk - H.M. Warner 1927"; Quotation[145] = "Multiply 142857 by 2,3,4,5 or 6 and its digits stay in the same order but move round each time. Multiply by 7 and you get 999999"; Quotation[146] = "When the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise that we can't eat money - Cree Indian proverb"; Quotation[147] = "It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, and it is a fool who dies that way - French proverb"; Quotation[148] = "Everything that can be invented has been invented - Charles Duell, Commissioner US Office of Patents 1899"; Quotation[149] = "Coffee in England always tastes like a chemistry experiment - Agatha Christie"; Quotation[150] = "We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology"; Quotation[151] = "The Space Shuttle is the most effective device known to man for destroying dollar bills - Congressman Dana Rohrabacher"; Quotation[152] = "A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago"; var Q = Quotation.length; var whichQuotation=Math.round(Math.random()*(Q-1)); /* document.write(Quotation[whichQuotation]); */ document.getElementById('randomquote').innerHTML = Quotation[whichQuotation]; } getQuote(); setInterval('getQuote()',13173);